Make new friends, but keep the old

One of the challenging parts of leaving your 20s behind is making new friends and staying in touch with your old friends. I think it is a good indicator of your strength in friendships when you are able to re-connect with a friend from 10 or 15 years ago, and it is almost as if you had never had the time apart.

I have a hard time dealing with the guilt that comes in between those meetings. We all get busy and even in the days of cell phones and email, it is so easy for three or four months to go by and you haven't caught up with one of your best friends. When you are married, it is lovely to spend all your free time with the one you love, and more difficult to make plans. Also, when one spends 90% of the day on the phone, sometimes it is challenging to get on the phone again, even though it is always enjoyable to have that "catch up" conversation.

Recently, one of my friends had a major life transition, and I find out about it through his Facebook post. This friend is leaving the city where he has lived for ten years and moving to VA. No mention of the significant other. I was so disappointed with myself that I was out of the loop about all these changes in his life. What kind of a friend am I that I wasn't there to support him through such a difficult time? The truth is that if I was going through a similar change, I wouldn't have expected him to be there for me either, but it is still disheartening that we lost that closeness.

I guess the new chapter in friendships is that you do your best to keep in touch, and when you can be there for your friends -- new and old, you are there and you put value in that time.

New friendships are exciting too, but harder to come by. In college your friends practically fall in your lap through classes, dorms and even bars. All you have is free to time grab a coffee or a smoke with someone to establish a new relationship. When you are working and married, that is a bit harder to do, but I certainly do miss that spontaneity.

In a week a few of my friends -- new and old are gathering to celebrate my birthday. It will be great for some of them to meet each other, and I am doing my best to value the time we spend together.

Hard Times

I am facing one of the most difficult points in my professional career. Ever since college, success has been based on how much business I could develop.

In the senior living world, my relationship building was with customers who needed to make a change right away. In this new position, I am selling a product that isn't going to be ready for another 24 months. This product is going to be amazing. It is going to be completely different than any of our competition. Everyone who is able to visit the sales office leaves positive about the product, but it is taking the next step toward commitment that is the most difficult.

Our customers have a variety of obstacles. Of course, the economy is the easiest one. Most of our customers have lost a portion of their retirement accounts in the last year. They may not be able to afford the home they were dreaming of in our community. Another obstacle is that our community is in development stage. Our potential residents are seeing a lot of developments that are "in development" and the developer have disappeared and homes are left empty. This community has a guarantee that homes are going to be filled with residents.

Overcoming obstacles has always been part of the work, but the most difficult part is going through a dry spell. Dry spells can make you feel like you are never going to make a sale again. Of course, as soon as you feel like there is nothing coming around the corner, something comes.

Here's to something coming.

Three Cups of Tea

I just finished an amazing book called "Three Cups of Tea." MWL bought me the book a while back, and I finally got around to reading it. I can't believe I waited so long. The book tells the story of Greg Mortenson, a mountain climber that happens upon a village in Pakistan during a failed attempt at climbing K2. He learns more about the lack of schools in rural Pakistan and makes a promise to build a school in this small village.

The story really shows how education really is the key to peace. Mortenson really is a rare breed who can adapt in any culture, and he makes real change happen.

Once Mortenson is able to cobble together funds and returns to the small village of Korphe where he promised to build the first school, he takes over as general contractor. He is running around with a level and plumb line, ordering all the villagers around on how to build a school. He is very frustrated about the progress since he knows the school must be completed before winter sets in. Eventually, the village leader takes Greg on a hike and sits him down and asks him to reconfirm his mission. "To build a school for the children of Korphe, of course," Greg answers. "Then sit down and shut up," the leader answered. Greg had to relinquish his level and plumb line and the school was built in three weeks.

Sometimes you have to let the natives do what they do best.

I highly recommend this book for a good lesson in life.

Rowing a Boat

Rowing a Boat

It has taken me 30 years to know one of my biggest faults. Who would have thought something as simple as rowing a boat would make this so clear.

Certainly this isn’t to say that I completely understand this fault, or that this is my only fault. My continuing need to succeed in any possible situation is just one issue in the bag of issues. Of course, this drive has had some advantages, but it comes at so many costs. Sometimes it is the cost of hurting someone else’s feelings or taking on too much control or not living up to the standard I set.

Rowing a boat with my mother-in-law really brough it to a point.

Every summer, my in-laws invite my husband and I too their home on Sandy Pond in Sandy Creek, NY. The place is perfect for a summer vacation, and their home sits on a channel that leads out to the lake. At one time, we encouraged them to get a kayak or boat that you could row around the channels. We thought this would be a great way for them to get some exercise and a fun way for us to pass to the time during our visits.

Sure enough, when we were all there for our Fourth of July pilgrimage, there was a row boat docked in the channel waiting for us. My father-in-law had purchased it from the fairgrounds with a guarantee that it wouldn’t leak. He also purchased a 1949 outboard motor and attached it to the back of the boat. I was looking forward to taking the boat for a spin, but determined to not need the motor on the back.

A day after our arrival, my sister-in-law, mother-in-law and I were left alone in the house. The boys had found an errand to run, which inevitably would end up with a trip to the local watering hole. I suggested to the girls that we have an adventure and take the boat out. I didn’t think they would be up for it, but after a few minutes, my mother-in-law came down the stairs ready to row.

We all stepped gingerly into the boat together and my mother-in-law ventured to take the oars.

My vast experience in rowing a boat is as follows:
-Growing up in Ohio, we had a small pond in which I did row a boat several times as a child. The boat had one oar, and you had to row on either side to go straight.
-I have been on two white-water rafting trips, one in West Virginia as a 10-year-old, and one in Costa Rica at the age of 15. In both instances I paddled with one oar.
-I have rowed in two different kayaks, one in Monterey, CA; one in the sound of NC.

Obviously, the criteria above make me the most qualified in rowing. At least, that was my assumption. My mother-in-law explained to us that she and her husband had rowed the boat in several occasions, and she was able to take the lead. She got us out of the dock and we headed about 20 feet into the channel. Passing by one of the neighbors, my sister-in-law and I realized that it didn’t look to noble of us that she and I were lazing away in the boat while our mother-in-law rowed us around the channel. I volunteered to take the oars. This row boat was a bit different than other boats I had experienced in the past, but I figured they are all about the same.

My first mistake was that I was rowing backwards. This boat was one where you sat with your back to the bow of the boat and pulled the attached oars toward you to make the boat go forward. We decided to both sit on the seat together and share rowing duties, my mother-in-law with the left oar and myself with the right oar. My sister-in-law sat in the front to navigate by telling which of us to row faster.

We were coming around a corner, and I started rowing. I figured the deeper I plunged the oars, the more quickly we could get doing. Of course, my strong rowing would also help compensate for my mother-in-law in case her rows were not as strong as mine. Quite quickly, we were marooned in the weeds on the left bank. I am thinking to myself that my mother-in-law is having a tough time rowing, so I should row faster and deeper to overcompensate more. Eventually I realized that it was my fast, deep rowing that was actually pushing us into the weeds, and the faster I rowed, the more difficult it was for my mother-in-law to get the boat out of the weeds. She recognized this too, and thankfully didn’t smack me upside the head with her weed-laden paddle.

I decided to take a different tack. These paddles were attached to the boat, and I wasn’t used to that method of rowing. I figured out a work-around and detached my paddle. I stood up to give us a push off the bank of weeds. We took out about two dozen species of lily pads in the process, and my strong push got us right into the weeds on my side of the boat. Now it was my mother-in-law’s turn to row. We eventually muddled our way out of that part of the channel, and I volunteered my sister-in-law to take over. She was going strong, and we all took note that it may be easier for one person to row on her own since one person didn’t have to synchronize with the other.

On your own, if you are facing the right way, you can adjust for upcoming weeds and obstacles as long as you have a good navigator. Of course, it can be confusing when the rower is facing backwards and the navigator is facing front-wards. The navigator is giving a direction to head toward the left, and the rower has to figure out – row stronger on my left-side or right-side? My sister-in-law was doing well until a strong wind headed our way and the boat was pushed into the weeds again. I volunteered to take one of the oars, and my mother-in-law sat in the back of the boat to help us navigate.

To get us out of the weeds and back into the channel that would eventually lead us home, we had to work completely together. We had an additional challenge of a strong wind that was pushing us into trouble, but we were determined to row home. Many times we had to watch out for obstacles that were hindering each other’s sides. We also had to understand how the other person was paddling and match their effort. My sister-in-law mentioned to me a few times that shallow paddles were more effective for her since they didn’t bring up every weed in the lake. This was a nonchalant way of telling me that my strong, deep strokes were doing nothing for our progress and holding us up since every few strokes I had to stop and de-weed.

My mother-in-law got some great joy in navigating. She would alternately shout our names to get one of us to row stronger to avoid some upcoming obstacles. She also tried clapping or yelling, “pull, pull” to get us in-sync.

Eventually we made it home. It took us about an hour and a half to get around the channel, and by the time we returned the men had come home. My sister-in-law and I deftly docked the boat and were proud of our accomplishment. I knew we had a story now to share about our adventures on the lake. I also knew I had to change the way I went about trying to succeed.